7 October 2017

Following the holiday, a sort of routine is in place. Every night I'm assured she isn't stopping and every night she does, I offer tea and food (so very British!). Heck Girl 2 even came round and the four of use had a decent drink together. Interesting Girl 2 isn't my type of person (too selfish and drama filled), Girl 1 agrees. He did agree, however recent flirting's appear to have swayed his mind and he sneaks her cigarettes and gives her lifts. Obviously blaming her for it all. Been there mate, I know the script even if your girlfriend hasn't sussed it yet.

6 October 2017

The very day we arrive back from the holiday is the day she decides to surprise and treat me. She is apparently making me dinner, despite never cooking a roast before that's what she sets out to wow me with. For the love of God order a Chinese or buy me chocolate! Do not destroy my whole kitchen and give me 4 hours work of cleaning. That is not a bloody surprise!

5 October 2017

We recently took a little holiday, just two nights, the classic family scenario. I stripped and remade my bed as he was leaving her his keys anyway. Well in fairness she had been here the past three nights anyway. The original plan was to leave quite early and stop off along the way for touristy things and lunch, that was thwarted because she didn't leave for work til 11am. So we hung about waiting, because he wasn't going to do anything until she left.

4 October 2017

I thought this morning was awkward, well the day was just beginning. I crashed out on the bed, the cold getting the better of me. I heard him leaving to go and fix her clutch. What a joke he couldn't fix a plug in under a year and as for cars he is clueless. But off he trotted to do his new ladies bidding. I collected the kids from school, and tried on some new clothes (Depression shopping). I'm standing in my undies after taking off a new dress and I hear the close door going. Panicked look outside and her cars there, so he's back. I slam the door over and throw clothes on.

3 October 2017

By the end of Monday he'd tried to cement in my head that sex means nothing to him and there fore shouldn't to me. This continued into Tuesday with the delightful addition of making it pity sex. I'm really 'emotionally unstable' and it will make me 'feel better' and he is only doing it to stop me from feeling depressed and alone. He doesn't want to see me hurting and this makes me feel better. Okay sound enough in principle, but in practice the gut wrenching guilt and increased jealousy doesn't make it easier.

2 October 2017

The next morning I'm woken up at 8am with a him standing soaking wet at the bottom of my bed, confused, angry and probably still drunk, almost crying that I'd left him. To tired to really care I went with the classic response of yup, you knew that last night. Apparently the drunk events that followed were my fault for leaving, yeah mate. I'm not your minder any more.
He got blind drunk as usual and wandered.

1 October 2017

What seems like an age ago now I was informed I had to arrange a babysitter for Saturday, to attend one of his colleagues Birthday parties, just two weeks after my non event of a Birthday. He allegedly still wanted me to attend, as friends, although his drunken ramblings also informed me that the Birthday girl didn't want Girl 1 attending and she thought he was being all manner of idiotic swear word over the whole situation. So following my 'Man up' motto I decide to risk it all and attend the car crash.

10 September 2017

Well the first couple of days are manageable. He did come back that night and decided that honesty was the best policy (something I've been saying for years!). Considering he's only been 'involved' with her for 4 days, they seem to have made a lot of life plans. When I scratched the graffiti into the car and called it mine, she offered to buy him a new one. When it looked like he was being flung out she offered to rent a house for them to move into together. They are now at the professing love stage and he's even thinking marriage.

9 September 2017

I finally got an answer, what does he expect me to do. He's been my best friend for 13 years and he has now left me emotionally and physically. This might be a fad or a mid life crisis, but right now he's done with our relationship. He doesn't see the point in me waiting for him to come back. I have to move on.

8 September 2017

Well it turns out the children had a boring night even if he didn't. They had baths, supper then bed, all rather rushed, but what can I expect if he's busy socialising. The adults had a takeaway, and according to all three kids dad slept on the couch and no one went in my room because the door stayed closed.
Whoa.. back up there, dad slept on the couch and my bedroom door was closed in the morning? So where did Girl 1 sleep? Did she leave and come back in the morning for her car?

7 September 2017

Well now I'm in my home town, and another 2 hours before I'm allowed to go home. Yup more walking. Without thinking my legs carry me home, I wish I'd gone elsewhere. Both his car and Girl 1's car are nestled together in the car park and my bedroom curtains are drawn. Me and the kids always use the blinds and he's the only one that ever bothers with the curtains. I really want to go to my own bed, but it looks like it would be a little crowded today.

6 September 2017

A couple of days after the last fiasco, I decide I need to be the better person. I still want him back, I want it to all go back to the way it was. I feel like I need him, I am so alone and I crave human contact. A simple hug right now would undo me.
I ask if he wants the car transferred into his name along with all the associated bills, predictable he says no because he can't afford it. He also helpfully tells me that if even if we do this I'd still have to pay the remainder of the years insurance, so I'd be paying two lots (Yeah right! I wouldn't be paying for the lot in your name!). I ignore the easy bitchy replies to that one, tougher than you would think! I also decide to offer him the chance to stay out a couple of nights when I'm not working, to try and normalise the household for the children(and me!).

5 September 2017

Well I scrapped the car for him, a measly £25, yup I was robbed. However if he wanted it done he should really have done it four Wednesdays ago like he stated. Tension is still riding high and the back lash of my eldest (15) quoting him to get what he wants is starting to grate a touch. "I just want a social life", You don't understand, I need to spend time with my friends." and the best one "Fuck off I don't need to tell you where I've been.". Not getting easier.

4 September 2017

I put up with it all, and spent Monday moving furniture around do that he has his chest of drawers in the living room. Apparently I was meant to get angry, slap him or shout at him, anything to justify his behaviour. The way I see it is; This is my coping mechanism, if he wants to stay here as room mates then that's fine. He has friends (as he often points out!) so he can still entertain, and I don't have to put up with them. And I have my own space to hide from them and his shite.
 He actually seems miffed that I'm dealing with it so coldly, what does he expect a pat on the f**king back. Our conversations are limited to the children's needs, I ask him if he has plans (so I can go and get wrecked somewhere and make bad mistakes), guess what he's working, he has a 21st at work he has to go to. 'Always there' seems to mean little.

3 September 2017

Wow what a roller coaster weekend, I escaped early on Friday (my 35th Birthday) to spend the day myself. I did nothing special, just pancakes and a cup of tea while I read my book and people watched. So relaxing and peaceful. Just about to get on the bus to get home in time for the kids and I check my phone 3 missed calls from him.
My happy peace shattered I call back wondering if something is wrong with the kids. Apparently I shouldn't have left town at all, where am I, why, with who? The last one confused him massively, no one should be on their own on their birthday. God sake I am a fully functional adult perfectly capable of being on my own for 3 hours! I have no friends and didn't want to listen to him moaning or telling me what he'd got up to with his friends, so sue me!

2 September 2017

A copy of the second email I never got a chance to send. Mainly because I got into 'my' car the day before my birthday for the brief 3 hours he could spare me to find Girl 1's cigarette packets strewn across my side, and he'd forgot his wallet so I was expected to pay for my Birthday lunch at the classy McDonald's. Oh yeah and he threw a huff because I mentioned my sister was a twisted S.O.B, so rallied the car home. Not a single red light appeared for me to jump out the car in anger, very disappointing. Then he laughed in my face at my anger so I retaliated with the points in here:

 Well my last email obviously missed the point. Took longer to dawn on me than it should of, you were merely placating me. 

1 September 2017

A copy of the email I sent my other half:

I've been trying to talk to you for weeks and it seems impossible without me getting over emotional or you getting loud. Yes I know I struggle to understand your perspective but you don't even seem to notice mine.

For me it started to really go to shit at the festival. Yes you've explained your needs and reasons, but you didn't seem to get how it made me feel. Humiliated in front of people I would almost call friends and the sympathy of your brother wasn't what I needed or wanted.

When you do that disappearing act with your mates they get it, so I don't get 50 questions. These guys expected different from what they knew of you. The pity of your brother reassuring me that he'd  make sure I made it home, like I was an incapable child abandoned. It hurt.

6 August 2017

Well finally the ice has thawed a touch. Asides from looking into flats to rent in the area and various videos on co-parenting (Idiot even looked at the on my computer!). Daft thing is he can't even put up a united front now, how does he expect to manage whilst reliving his teenage dreams.
I was informed today that his car problems are almost fixed, yadda yadda yadda. Seriously he was out with his 'friend' and this really important call happens and now he needs to talk to me about it. Then the penny drops: the car needs taxed and a final payment and transferred insurance. Oh yeah, definitely time to talk to me. Its all in my name and paid from my bank account, time to make nice.

He even went as far as to assure me he still loves me, I almost melted. Following that up with I just need to do my own thing right now; that ensured the next three ice ages! I only replied 'okay' or 'that's fine' to all these wonderous  statements. Do you know what my non aggressive behaviour got me? The reassurance that he wasn't actually sleeping with any one else.
Jesus God! I'm not sure how delusional boy blunder really is. 'God's gift to girls barely out of their teens' he isn't. Let's ignore the baggage of 3 kids and a partner, because they all seem to be able to. Looking alright for almost 40, but out of shape, drunk and skint; hardly a catch for these alcopop swigging teenage fools.

On the plus side the suicidal thoughts are gone, now I'm too bitter and angry.

5 August 2017

Well all quiet on the Western front, literally. Complete radio silence from him, he bought me a chocolate bar though. Lovely, shame I'm behind in every single one of the bills. At least half of which are from his purchases, and he forgot to cancel a free trial of now TV,  so yeah, struggling financially right now. But hey at least he's not shouting at me and telling me my opinion is wrong.

Aberdeen

How many people can remember the first life changing lie they told? I can.

In a time of weekly Bunty editions, when I was content making mud pies in the garden with my wellies and a red tartan dress as my everyday clothes (Gotta love 80's fashion on a small child!). I was sitting on my parents coffee table swinging my legs because they didn't reach the floor. I remember seeing vague reflections on my scuffed black patent dressy shoes, and trying to pull my socks up despite being told not to fidget by my hovering mother.

Overview

My life has often appeared punctuate by events and fleeting moments that would define a normal persons personality. Thankfully I don't believe I fall under the classification of normal, therefore I will continue to blunder on. That's not to say that I am happy in my life, often I barely manage content.

4 August 2017

Sitting last night I realised I needed to grow up. Stop whining when other people have it much worse than me, and yes I know that makes it sound as if I'm in some form of abusive relationship. But we've been together a while now, and its not always plain sailing for any couple.
So I queued up the latest episode of our fave film, and looked forward to the mountain of food he always brings in from work. Somehow I'd forgotten to eat all day, but eating issues are nothing new to me and he was going to be in at 11pm anyway so it would be fine. Half 11 and I'm assuming he's given someone a lift home, while really in the back of my mind I'm stressing. Has he been in an accident, has he just decided to go out, will he be home tonight.

3 August 2017

Following on directly from the previous post (here), they did roll in cackling and giggling. Really glad they did because my partner's phone was out of charge and despite adding and messaging the young lady I wasn't able to make contact at all, which definitely made me very anxious. Never mind I had a long shift in front of me, with lots of smiley chat and little sleep.
Yeah it was rough going but the clock finally ticked round to leaving time. It hadn't stopped there though, I was messaged and told to be home sharpish as we were going out to lunch. I counted this as a hungover apology and thought no more of it. Ten minutes before leaving I also got a phone call asking if we had spare toothbrushes, my instant thought was that one of the kids had dropped theirs down the toilet so I explained where they were despite the fact the children should know where they were kept.

2 August 2017

I've always had an irrational jealousy of people with friends. Jealous of their social groups and the functions and nights out they attend. Irrational because I really can't see myself enjoying a night out with so many people or being so inebriated. Yet sometimes that jealous doesn't seem so irrational or unfounded.

1 August 2017

To re kindle the energy sadly lacking in our lives we arranged for a friend to babysit the kids while we went out gallivanting and enjoyed adult entertainment. All dolled up, and it turns out trains are subject to cancellation, concerned about getting back for the babysitter I decided to nix the evenings plans.
Instead I suggested a nice meal and then maybe some outdoor adult fun. His very next sentence was that the young lady he knew from work was at a loose end tonight as well. Before I could pick my jaw off the floor he was on the phone to her. I offered him me, on a platter, and his very first thought was, I know I'll phone a 21 year old girl. Gee thanks a bunch for the confidence boost.

2 July 2017

Directly following on from the festival tension was clear, not helped in the slightest by a random police stop that told us we had weeks to fix our shed of a car. Needless to say we were quite snippy with each other. However the joy of our relationship has always been our ability to sweep everything under the carpet and never speak of it again.
So by Thursday we were capable of talking like normal people. The day was marred slightly by him pointing out that I was getting fat, quite pointedly, a bit harsher than the usual light-hearted joking, but I let it go. What can you really say when confronted with the truth.

1 July 2017

My partner and myself attended a festival as a kind of working holiday. This is my third year attending and his second, it was original to be my thing a space for me to be myself and relax, but apparently I made it sound too much fun for my partner to miss out on. This year a member of his family also came to work with us.