Sitting last night I realised I needed to grow up. Stop whining when other people have it much worse than me, and yes I know that makes it sound as if I'm in some form of abusive relationship. But we've been together a while now, and its not always plain sailing for any couple.
So I queued up the latest episode of our fave film, and looked forward to the mountain of food he always brings in from work. Somehow I'd forgotten to eat all day, but eating issues are nothing new to me and he was going to be in at 11pm anyway so it would be fine. Half 11 and I'm assuming he's given someone a lift home, while really in the back of my mind I'm stressing. Has he been in an accident, has he just decided to go out, will he be home tonight.
Nope, work was manic and he was running late, and our ever present young lady follows him into the house. Cue an internal yell of 'for fucks sake'. They settle down on the couch he opens his beverage and they continue their work conversation, without even an acknowledgement, I keep reading. About an hour later I decide to go find food, so up and leave them to it closing the door on their conversation.
Food doesn't interest me, so I pull on a pair of jeans and go for a wander in the pissing rain. All my plans awry and fed up with the whole situation. I'm only gone about 15 minutes and when I come back I settle into the kitchen with a book and some leftover food, I need to eat even if I really can't face it.
I'm getting ready to head to bed at half 2 in the morning when she seems to notice the time and decides to go. Boom! Here we go again, my behaviour disgusts him, she's a really kind person, I should make more of an effort. I try to de-escalate the conversation by saying I wasn't feeling sociable that was why I was in the kitchen rather than making everyone feel awkward in the living room. He tells me I've been like that since the start, he wants me to like people and be involved with his social life.
When I point out I have nothing in common with a little girl, he tells me it's because I'm not trying to find common ground. He misses his social life and enjoys being surrounded in people and feeling popular. I'm too judgemental with new people and I never give them a chance, I need to make more of an effort. I tell him I understand that's who he is and my issue isn't with his social life, it's when his social life affects me I have a problem. I tell him it's not who I am and he should've worked that out after all these years. I ask him not to try to change me because that's not a person I am comfortable being.
Yes I enjoy nights out, but my home is mine, I don't like people surrounding me all the time. I get pulled up for my personal pronoun; my home not ours, personally I thought in context it made perfect sense. He also points out that he's done it my way for the past year, and there's been less arguments because I've been in control. He now feels like life is stale and he's always bored, he just wants different and exciting. Maybe just my warped mental issues but that translated in my head to "Our relationship is stale. I'm fed up of being bored. I'm using this kind generous girl to get my excitement and social life,because you are boring."
Wow a touch cold? I'm sorry I'm a routine person, I'm sorry I don't want woken up a 3am, I'm sorry I don't happen to fancy your latest 'be nice to them' project as much as you keep saying you do. That's the rub if she was nice and kind that would be fine, but all them seem to do is bitch or drink or make plans to drink. I don't care if she thinks I'm nice, lots of fools believe I'm nice.
They talked about going go-karting together, I have no interest in go-karting which means I'm boring. Yet last year when I tried to get everyone to take on a paint balling zombie filled warehouse I was childish and immature. The first year I tried to get people to go to a festival with me, they'd done it before and were too old for it now. I want to go to museums and out door activity places; we end up going to the pub or McDonald's.
I slam doors and shout "if life with me is so stale perhaps he should just fuck off". But after 10 minutes in the kitchen wracking my body with dry sobs, I realise that I'm being immature. (I know it does sound a bit like a bad relationship, but I swear I'm not apologising for my behaviour not suiting his needs, he isn't controlling me to that extent. Yet.). The night ends with me trying to apologise for being selfish and hoping for some compromise. I get nothing but grunts and sarcastic laughs from him, so I obviously have to just man up and work harder on being a better person.
Oh and from the moment she left, right through this entire conversation, he was glued to his phone. I don't know if he was texting or surfing Facebook or searching for help when dealing with morons, but it really didn't help my mood. Some couple swear by deep conversations to sort problems: Idiots.
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