To re kindle the energy sadly lacking in our lives we arranged for a friend to babysit the kids while we went out gallivanting and enjoyed adult entertainment. All dolled up, and it turns out trains are subject to cancellation, concerned about getting back for the babysitter I decided to nix the evenings plans.
Instead I suggested a nice meal and then maybe some outdoor adult fun. His very next sentence was that the young lady he knew from work was at a loose end tonight as well. Before I could pick my jaw off the floor he was on the phone to her. I offered him me, on a platter, and his very first thought was, I know I'll phone a 21 year old girl. Gee thanks a bunch for the confidence boost.
I'm not one to waste a babysitter though, so after the chosen dining location and then the drinking location, I settled down for a drink. We played pool at one of those overly expensive pubs when you can't play pool because of the proximity of the walls. I say 'play' delicately, because I simply can't play, that's not to say I don't really enjoy a game: I just don't expect to ever win.
It's hard not to feel like a gooseberry when the couple you are are talking about work and both happen to be rather good at the chosen activity, but I did try, at first. After a cigarette with the young girl, where she proceeded to tell me how lovely he was and how fat she was getting I lost more interest. Seriously I have a 36 inch waist and my hips are closer to the 50 inch than the 40, idiot child feels fat when her waist is thinner than one of my thighs! Yawn, time to grow up.
The night got a little worse the more alcohol this skelf consumed, lack of body fat makes it easier to get drunk I suppose. She was super flirty and hung on my partners every word with big doe eyes. I found it sickening frankly, but I was still expected to cover her in praise because she could drain a bottle of alco-pop. Fantastic.
The night felt better when a group of much older gentlemen joined the pool table for their weekly competition that had been going on for decades. I knew a couple from previous employment, so was actually part of a conversation. We played mixed pairs and it was actually getting to be a good night.
Then he and the young girl left to get a carry-out from the supermarket before closing time. I was told where they were going across the crowded room and they went. Not thinking to ask if I wanted anything.
One of the gentleman proceeded to stun me. he asked if my daughter and her boyfriend were off for the night. Where do you go with that?! Apart from the fact that I would have been 13, my partner is closer to the 40 mark. I guess my face gave the game away, because there was serious amounts of back peddling when I asked how old he thought I was. He claimed I must have been a child bride, and when I said he was my partner there was a very awkward silence. I guess they saw the flirting, who didn't.
So I'm now left with a bunch of older gents alone, not how I thought the night would pan out at all. When they return, the young lady draped across my partner makes for an awkward moment, for all but them (I get the concept of feeling desirable, but remember I started the night excited and looking forward to passion, this was a pretty rough extreme.).
They decide a taxi is required to get home, I've never got a taxi yet it's like admitting I'm too drunk to walk, and I'm not that drunk. So we set off in search of a taxi, I would have been more than halfway home by the time we decide there are none to be found and start walking. My feet hurt so I'm desperate to get home, therefore I get my march on. The two of them dawdle together, laughing throughout they're conversation.
When we make it in the door, apparently she's coming home with us. The babysitters girlfriend is still there, the television is blaring and our children are still wide awake. He shouts at them to go to bed, instant tears from over tired children, but doesn't turn down the television or berate the babysitter. So I go and console the children and get them into bed, then turn down the television and hide for a cigarette.
A round of back slapping and thank you's later, my partner sees his friend to the door ably helped by the young lady. I'm obviously old fashioned: members of the household see guest to the door, but heck if she wants to play woman of the house who am I to disagree.
I grab myself a cuppa after I see the contents of their alcohol haul. I haven't drank vodka for nearly 11 years and I certainly never drank it with the mixers she has chosen, my partner isn't as picky with alcohol as me so he just tucks in. What partner would go for alcohol for his missus and bring back nothing she drinks?
Then he hands me back my bank card.
That's right I paid for the young ladies beverage of choice. Crushed.
My second cup of tea and the alcohol buzz has worn off completely, possibly aided by the complaints that I'm not fun and I should still be drinking. I go and start getting ready for bed, and the young ladies tolerance for alcohol is gone and she's decorating the toilet. I'm told to check on her and see if she needs a bucket in an angry hushed voice. Suitably chastised for my poor parenting skills, I proceed to sort out a bucket, get her a drink of water and tie her hair back.
Then I go to bed and leave them to it.
The next day I am pulled up for ruining the night out. Apparently on the way to the supermarket all they had talked about was me, how nice I was and the young lady found me attractive and there was the chance of a group activity when we got home.
That's nice.
I asked if that was before or after the vomiting. I also said that she wasn't interested in my half of our couple at all and he must be blind if he couldn't see that. In addition I pointed out that I didn't care if she found me attractive, I didn't find her attractive, I did however found her immature mentally and physically.
So I didn't get drunk. I was told I looked old enough to have a child that age. I was told to sort out a vomiting girl. I didn't have fun and I sure as heck didn't get laid.
Great night out.
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