A couple of days after the last fiasco, I decide I need to be the better person. I still want him back, I want it to all go back to the way it was. I feel like I need him, I am so alone and I crave human contact. A simple hug right now would undo me.
I ask if he wants the car transferred into his name along with all the associated bills, predictable he says no because he can't afford it. He also helpfully tells me that if even if we do this I'd still have to pay the remainder of the years insurance, so I'd be paying two lots (Yeah right! I wouldn't be paying for the lot in your name!). I ignore the easy bitchy replies to that one, tougher than you would think! I also decide to offer him the chance to stay out a couple of nights when I'm not working, to try and normalise the household for the children(and me!).
However when I actually say this to him I also include the offer for me to stay at my mums occasionally to give him the space to entertain. Feeling like I'm just rolling over and playing dead like a desperate street dog, I hope that one flies under the radar. Sure, that was never going to happen.
He has switched his working days again so he can have a day off at the same time as Girl 1, and asks that I go to my mums that night. Fair enough I brought this on myself, but I can't stay at my mums because the bitchy constant comments and nosiness into my current mess means that sleep won't happen. Also she lives within eye shot of my house and I'm not sure if I could stop my self watching/ stalking. I know if I tell him, it will look like a cop out, this is a test.
So I find the cheapest hotel and end up booking into a hostel in Glasgow. I reassure myself that this is an adventure. I haven't had the chance to escape and just wander for years and this is me being positive and taking back who I am... Yeah, I don't believe it either.
So I pack up my bag and leave him a set of instructions for bath time, bedtime and the school run. I try to tell my self to enjoy it but from the train ride I start feeling queasy and scared. This isn't me the girl who would be happy just getting on a bus to see where it goes, my responsibilities have ground me down to the extent I am nothing with out them.
I treat myself to my favourite junk food and find an old haunt to supply my alcohol. But its Monday and the pub is deadly quiet and filled with new regulars, who look at me with suspicion. Uncomfortable I leave and walk around the streets, every where is closing. I was late getting into Glasgow because I had to wait for him to ready himself and complete all his errands, before I was told to go.
I end up back at the youth hostel, not wanting to disturb the studious looking residents of my room I head for the bar. An eclectic mix of global people and a hubbub of noise, yet I'm still alone and it ekes into my bones, I feel empty. I know full well the warning signs of my depression, and mingle to try and off set my emotional blankness. The groups are already established though and the bar is just busy enough that the barman has no time to gossip.
I cut the alcohol when I realise that I'm stuck and sinking quickly. I head to the room in the hope of sleep, I've been up since 4am so figure I have a chance. Nope! The squeaky metal bunk beds and overly boiling room don't help. I'm restless and trying not to cry out loud, my mind won't stop.
I try the internet, free wifi is a saviour at times and I potter around for a while, then try again.
And my periods start, seriously wtf is going on in my life the now! I sort all that out and try again. And my mother phones! Conscious of my fellow bunk beds I mute the phone and text her telling her I was sleeping. She is all wound up because the youth hostel showed up on Facebook as a check-in (the hoops we jump through for free wifi!). I explain that I was in the pub downstairs because its cheap and good atmosphere, and that now I'm sleeping. Apparently she was all worried and I could of stayed in her house, I lie. I tell her I'm fine and insinuate that I'm safely tucked up in bed at home.
Unfortunately now I'm wide awake again. I quietly toss and turn, dozing periodically, until daylight starts creeping through the curtains. Giving up all semblance of sleep, I get up and check out at 6am.
Now what? Nothing is open so I walk the streets some more. I give in and catch the train at 8am. I'm almost back in time to have done the school run.
No comments:
Post a Comment