1 September 2017

A copy of the email I sent my other half:

I've been trying to talk to you for weeks and it seems impossible without me getting over emotional or you getting loud. Yes I know I struggle to understand your perspective but you don't even seem to notice mine.

For me it started to really go to shit at the festival. Yes you've explained your needs and reasons, but you didn't seem to get how it made me feel. Humiliated in front of people I would almost call friends and the sympathy of your brother wasn't what I needed or wanted.

When you do that disappearing act with your mates they get it, so I don't get 50 questions. These guys expected different from what they knew of you. The pity of your brother reassuring me that he'd  make sure I made it home, like I was an incapable child abandoned. It hurt.

Then the whole thing with you sexting my sister and the insults about me being fat.

I felt like the threesome thing was an overreaction. I would have gone for a female first, but you have said on previous occasions that you'd love to watch me with another guy. Compromise, plus like you said it was just sex. You seemed to be unfussed by the idea of getting to know someone first. I preferred the idea of it being someone I was actually attracted to.

When you blew out the idea of a night together for a night with someone who was a stranger to me, I didn't appreciate it. But it looking like you two were a couple and not us was too far for me, so yes it pissed me off. Listening to a little girl rave about how great you were and watching her fawn over you hurt.

I don't like her, just my gut reaction. I know you say i'm judgy but it's never done me wrong in the past. I have nothing in common with her and I've spent a total of about 5 minutes on Girl 2's company so I don't know her either.

I feel like I've been put in second place, not just to the social life you wanted but to both of them as well. You can't change your alarm to get up for the kids but a message from them and you're out the door 5 mins later. It pisses me off, that they are in greater need of your time and effort than your own kids.

For three weeks I let you be and ignored it all. Yet you complained that you didn't have enough money. You had enough money to afford the extra petrol and lunches out, but I'm the one getting chased for debt. For the record half the bills for a month are approximately £400, when very is normal.

It also hurt when you were joking about playing scrabble, I'm sure it was a fun double date. I know that it probably comes across as overly sensitive, but you won't play board games with me, which I miss. It always comes down to me cheating or the game being crap. Have you never noticed how the games we played together slowly disappear when you start complaining?

I feel like we are nothing more than flat mates at the moment and that seems cold. All I want is for us to go back to normal. But conversation is hard when you throw the same trite insults at me. I am not stupid, or an idiot, and I am sick of being told I am when I don't agree with your opinion.

It's also tough when I am approached by people from your town and your groups, asking when we split up. Or asking if I know that you're always at their house, last weekend I was asked when you'd moved in with them. That is a slap in the face even if you don't see it.

I get pity looks when I tell them that you lot are friends or when I laugh it off. People keep asking if I'm fucking coping, and if you still see the kids. I'm a fucking laughing stock, poor S**** doesn't even know what's going on. I'm dreading one of these idiots asking the kids what's happening, because that's  something I can't explain to them. I've already been asked why you don't sleep in the bed anymore, because he doesn't want to wake me up, yeah that didn't wash.

I get you need freedom, but this midlife crisis is killing me. I was worried about your heart yesterday. I actually thought that was why Girl 1 came up, to take you to hospital. I even phoned the hospital to check if you were there because I was so scared you'd gone without even telling me.

All I want is for you to tell me it's going to be alright, and understand my side without accusing me. If you need to leave then that's something we need to talk about, and I would expect you to be there for the kids. Not lying on the couch all day glued to your phone.

I don't want it to be over but I am struggling, and I need you to understand. You expect me to understand, but don't seen willing to make any concession for me.

I'm starting to feel used, like a dumb idiot playing house while you find yourself. That's not fair, we're both adults and I shouldn't be the only one expected to act like one.

His response was to tell me I just have to give him time and be understanding.